Side Effect
by chandy
Summary: An angsty explanation for why Murdock seems to have such an affinity for gum.


Slender fingers probed blindly, tentatively at first, then gathering momentum as the digits came in contact with nothing but the old, worn liner. The action was mirrored on the opposite side with the same result.

The hands stilled briefly, folded in temporary repose before resuming their fruitless endeavor. One open palm patted down the cracked leather while the other thrust deeper into the pockets, searching, and coming up equally as empty.

A frustrated sigh barely registered over the low hum of the van's engine. Hannibal and BA were in the front seat and completely oblivious to their teammate's increasing listlessness. Face only heard it in the periphery of his senses, the sound not quite making it all the way into the part of his brain that made connections.

One foot came up and rested on one khaki-clad knee. The white tip of the Converse sneaker jiggled and stilled. It jiggled and stilled once again before coming back to rest on the plush, grey carpet of the van.

Trembling hands, injected with a renewed frenetic energy, repeated the search. No crevice was left untouched, even his socks and khakis were invaded by fumbling fingers. A box under the seat was pulled out and combed through, yielding nothing but some old comics and a yo-yo. Even the van's interior wasn't safe from the hunt for the elusive item. Doors and pockets were ripped open in panic.

Murdock was feeling along the interior of the pocket of the seat in front of him when BA's concentration was broken from the road. "You better stop dat, Foo'! Or I'm gonna stop this van and pound you into the ground!"

He withdrew his hand at the threat. "BA? Can we pull over and stop for a minute? I need to get something!"

"No! We getting close now so sit back and shuddup!"

"Colonel?" Murdock appealed to their leader.

Hannibal shrugged. "I'm with BA on this one. If it can wait, we're better off continuing on."

The pilot looked briefly wounded and slouched his lanky figure down into the seat in defeat. One knee bounced up and down in an uncontrollable motion. A menacing growl drifted back from the front in warning.

For the first time, Face really noticed his friend. Murdock's body was vibrating with agitation like a tuning fork that had been struck. One hand was clamped tightly beneath his jaw, covering nearly half of his face. The only thing visible between the splayed fingers were dilated eyes that danced wildly, never settling upon one particular thing.

Although his friend's distress was plain to see, the cause of it was not. The Team was on their way home from a successful mission. Aside from a few scrapes and bruises, no one was seriously injured. They had even snuck in a decent night's sleep and a solid breakfast before setting back out for home.

Face placed a comforting hand on the pilot's shoulder. "It'll be okay, Murdock. We'll be home soon," he reassured him.

Murdock gave a curt nod, but remained unusually silent. He fidgeted nervously, never allowing his body to settle into one place for too long. Both hands were now clamped along his jawline and his eyes were squeezed shut. The strong jaw was working against itself. It was starting to appear to Face that his best friend was in pain.

"Hey, what is it, Murdock?" The question was so soft, the conman thought he might have to repeat it when he didn't receive an immediate answer.

The brown eyes popped open and pinned Face to his seat. "Gum! I need gum. Please get them to stop, Facey! Please..." Murdock's pleas trailed off as his eyes disappeared behind closed lids once again. His hands pressed harder into his face, leaving red marks underneath. A sheen of perspiration was breaking out overtop his pale skin.

"Okay. Okay." Murdock's anguish was disturbing, and if all it took to assuage the man was a pack of gum, then so be it. "BA, could you pull over? I could use a break, too."

The Colonel raised his eyebrows at his second-in-command, but refrained from arguing. BA scowled, but angled the car towards an upcoming rest stop. The tires crunched as they came to a full stop in a space well removed from the lone building.

Murdock jumped up and slid the door open, hopping out and muttering about taking Billy for a walk before the engine was even shut down. BA just shook his head as Face watched the retreating figure with worry. Hannibal caught his gaze and the seeds of concern were planted. "Take care of him, Face."

That was all the incentive the handsome man needed to break his paralysis. His movements were quick and purposeful. The well-manicured hands dug change out of his pocket with skilled practice. The vending machine gobbled up the coins and spit out his purchase with an impersonal "clunk".

Gripping the item, Face strode over to Murdock who was pacing back and forth, holding onto an imaginary leash. Occasionally, the pilot would turn and address the empty space at his feet.

Face was only a few feet away, but he still went unnoticed. It gave him a chance to really study Murdock. The rich, chocolate eyes flitted from one sight to another, never stopping long enough to focus on any one thing. The hands opened and closed nervously, his body rigid with agitation. The angular jaw clenched and unclenched, making a chewing motion as if the coveted item were already obtained and in its home.

Face turned the pack over in his fingers. Slowly, it dawned on him with heart-breaking clarity just why the gum might be so important. He smiled sadly at his friend and called out softly so as not to startle him. "Murdock."

Murdock whipped around, his upper body twisted at a seemingly impossible angle. "Yeah, Faceman?"

"Here's your gum that you asked for." Murdock went to reach for it, but it was snatched back at the last second. "Not so fast. Care to tell me what's got you so hot and bothered about a little stick of gum?"

At first, Murdock's eyes narrowed in anger, then widened in fear, understanding that Face knew more than he was letting on. He tugged on the brim of his baseball cap, pulling it lower over his eyes as he hung his head, hiding it from view. His arms folded around his skinny frame protectively. "Please, Facey..."

Murdock quietly begging was too much. Face pried the fingers loose from the leather and placed the pack in the shaking hand, taking a brief moment to give a gentle, supportive squeeze. Even though he needed to know exactly what was going on, he couldn't be so cruel as to withhold what was perceived to be a necessity from his friend.

The package was ripped apart frantically. Two sticks of gum were liberated from their wrappers and shoved into Murdock's mouth with reckless abandon. The chewing motion grew more pronounced. The pilot's head remained pointed down as he toed the dirt on the edge of the field, trying unsuccessfully to avoid the inevitable explanation.

Face moved around until he was directly in front of the pilot, placing a hand on Murdock's bony shoulder. "C'mon, tell me what's going on with you."

Murdock shrugged the hand away. "Don't wanna." He sounded like a petulant child, keeping his head lowered to avoid eye contact.

It was Face's turn to plead. "Please, Murdock."

The pilot shoved his hands deep into his pockets and took three long, fast, strides away from him. He slowly brought his head up. The sun was at their backs, but still Murdock squinted off into the distance. The small wrinkles around his eyes aged him beyond his years. "You don' wanna know, Faceman. Some things...well, some things are better kept to yourself if ya know whatta mean."

The distance rapidly closed between the two friends. "No, I don 't! Murdock! Look at me," Face demanded. When the words were ignored, Face gripped Murdock's chin in his hand and forced eye contact. "We've been through a lot together. Too much. There is nothing that you can say to me that will make me think any less of you. Understand?" The nod was almost imperceptible, but it was there. "Good."

Murdock's shoulders sagged under the internal weight. He drew in a deep breath and blew it out. Without waiting to see if Face would follow, he directed himself towards a picnic bench and sat down, back resting against the table. Murdock arranged himself in a casual pose - elbows propped up on the green wood and head leaned back, warmed by the sun. The continual chewing motion was the only suggestion of the remaining tension.

Patient silence ensued. Face placed himself on the bench next to the pilot. Not too close as to seem smothering, but not too far to make his friend even more self-conscious than he already was. A heavy sigh escaped from the space next to him. Murdock raised his head off the table. "Alright," he relented.

Face steeled himself for what was to come. Murdock continued staring straight ahead, unable - or unwilling - to look him in the eye. "My meds have been givin' me fits."

The conman let out a breath that he hadn't realized he had been holding. "How so?"

"Some nasty side effects." Murdock's nonchalant tone was unmatched to his tight body language.

Face was somewhat puzzled. He thought Murdock only occasionally took the medication he was given, never adhering to the strict regimen set forth by the doctors. Sometimes he couldn't help but wonder if the pilot didn't really need them or if he was subconsciously hindering his recovery. Maybe it was a mixture of both. "Can't you just palm the meds, or hide them under your tongue like you usually do? No medications, no side effects. Problem solved, right?"

"No can do, muchacho. Not so simple." Murdock scrubbed his face with his hands before answering Face's unasked question. "They're real strict right 'bout now. Ol' man Johnson used that lil trick and stockpiled 'em to finish himself off. Ever since then, they line us up like good lil soldiers and check ev'rywhere and ev'rything. Ain't no privacy no more."

Murdock stated all of this as if he were merely reporting the weather. Nothing more and nothing less. Face felt a twinge in his chest as he got a realistic glimpse into Murdock's home life. Sometimes it seemed like it was all a big game of pretend, a game of cat and mouse to fool the military. But then reality reared its ugly head and smacked him in the face, reminding him that his best friend resided in a hospital and didn't enjoy the same liberties. Face reluctantly posed the question he asked himself moments earlier, afraid of the answer. "Do you - do you really need to take them?"

There was a long pause as Murdock tried to formulate a suitable response. "Whether I need 'em or not isn't the issue. Side effects are real 'nough, though."

Face tented his fingers and brought them up to his mouth, deep in thought. "Can you get them to change the medication? Maybe get on one that doesn't affect you so badly?"

A scoffing laugh escaped. "Been there, done that, Faceman. I could keep going through different meds like used tissue, but ain't gonna change anything. Side effect is permanent. From what I hear, won't ever go 'way, maybe."

The twinge in his chest yielded to a crushing fear. Different medications carried all sorts of dangerous sequelae, from kidney damage to seizures to...almost anything. "What - what kind of side effects are we talking about here?"

Murdock let his arms dangle limply over the edge of the table for another moment before bringing his hand slowly up to his lips and extracting the gum. He held it between his thumb and forefinger as Face watched, mesmerized. At first, he didn't notice anything amiss. Gradually, his eyes roamed over his friend until he focused on his mouth. The chewing motion had never ceased. The vice-like grip on his heart tightened.

Murdock averted his eyes in shame. "Ain't 'xactly life threatening, but ain't too pretty to look at, is it? They way you're staring at me..." He trailed off, squirming uncomfortably under the Lieutenant's scrutiny.

"I don't mean to," Face guiltily admitted.

"Just cain't help but look, right?" There was no response, but Murdock nodded in agreement anyway, answering his own question. "The way you looked at me? The fear? The pity?" Face started to protest, but Murdock stopped him. "S'okay. It's an honest reaction, I jus' get tired of dealing with all the stares sometimes. Figured out chewing gum covers it up well 'nough. Nobody looks twice at a pilot chewing gum. Kinda makes sense when ya think 'bout it."

Face flashed a wan smile. There was a certain twisted logic to Murdock's thinking. "How long has this been going on?"

Murdock shrugged. "A coupla months, I guess."

The sadness threatened to overtake him. The fact that Murdock felt he had to conceal any part of his illness from the Team made Face's cheeks flush. "Why hide it from us?"

"Jus' plain embarrassing, I guess. I can control a lot of things, but this ain't one of 'em. 'Sides, BA already thinks I'm looney tunes. This'd just give him another reason to believe it." The wide grin did not fool Face.

"C'mon, Murdock. BA may get on your case, but you know he'd never make light of something like this. And Hannibal...Hannibal knows what you're capable of. He'd never marginalize you."

Murdock stood and raised himself up to his full height. He stretched his arms over his head and grabbed onto a low-hanging branch, slightly swaying back and forth. "And you? Are you going to keep looking at me like that? Full of pity and fear? Like clients do? Like strangers?"

"No, Murdock! I-" Face protested.

"But you did, Facey. You did." The hurt flashed across his features like a lightning storm. Murdock's southern drawl lowered in pitch " I hafta know...is this gonna change thing 'tween us?"

Face let himself relax as the emotion welled up, allowing his mask of composure to fall away. "No, M urdock. It won't. I can promise you that. You'll still be my best friend no matter what. That's stays the same. No side effect, no medication, no disease will ever, ever change that." Merriment danced in his blue eyes. "And another thing that won't change? You'll still be as crazy as ever."

The wide, maniacal grin was the response he was hoping for.

"You coming back?"

"In a minute, Facey. Billy got off his leash 'gain. Better go track 'im down before he uses BA's van as a fire hydrant."

"Okay, buddy. I'll meet you back at the van." Face slipped away, accepting the excuse Murdock offered, knowing that he just need a few minutes to collect himself.

Face returned to the vending machine and fed coins into it until every last pack of gum was in his possession. He strategically placed a pack in each of the van's pockets and cabinets until his arms were empty. When he was finished, he gazed out the side door of the van, watching Murdock.

The Captain ran after something only he could see. The only indication that everything wasn't alright in his world were the hunched shoulders. Murdock was outwardly, sickeningly optimistic, seemingly untouched by all the negativity in the world. But it did affect him, more than any of them realized. His fierce intelligence and open nature made him more vulnerable than most. It wasn't just a side effect of the medication that caused him pain and hurt, but the side effect of human nature that caused fear and wariness of what was not understood. Face had been blatantly reminded of that today. It made him wonder just who was truly crazy.

Face couldn't eliminate the side effect itself, but he could try to reduce the stigma and embarrassment and pain it caused. That much he could do for his friend. And for now, it would have to be enough.

*The official name for the side effect Murdock is experiencing is tardive dyskinesia. It often manifests with facial (tongue and mouth) movements as a side effect of long term use of certain medications - especially certain psych meds. Even when patients are taken off, they often experience long term (or permanent) tardive dyskinesia.


End file.
